While fighting the Basilisk
by ladythana
Summary: What started out as an alternate ending to Cos gone terribly terribly wrong...


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter yaddayadda you know the drill. Please forgive the tendency to run-on sentences etc., this was written late at night while on several cold pills. Enjoy!!!  
  
While fighting the Basilisk, Harry trips and smashes his head on the floor. Forgetting who he is and what he is doing, he gets up and wobbles back to Ron and Lockhart. The two amnesiacs sit and chat, drinking imaginary tea and making cluckcluck noises about the state of Ron's robes. Fed up, Ron puts the slug curse on them both, using Harry's wand, and climbs out of the Chamber. Pouting back in his room, he fails to notice the now full-strength Tom Riddle sneak up. Riddle teleports Ron to a tiny enclosed space, containing a vial of poison and the still-babbling amnesiacs, now with shaved heads. Ron contemplates trying to poison them, but drinks it instead.  
The next morning, Hermione opens her trunk and finds Harry and Lockhart snuggling in one corner and a sobbing, slowly dying Ron in another. She looks about, shrugs, and closes it. On the way to breakfast, Tom Riddle, hiding behind a statue, grins and shrinks her nose to the size of a pea, gives her a beer belly and turns her hair bright pink. No one seems to notice for a few days until the school governors pay a visit. Lucius takes a look, falls desperately in love and whisks her away.  
A wretched smell is eventually noticed emanating from Hermione's trunk and Parvati Patil finally goes over and opens it. She finds Harry and Lockhart brewing a strange concoction of poison, spit and several handfuls of hair from Ron, who still hasn't died. Harry winks and offers her a beaker. She stupidly shrugs and drinks it, immediately gagging up a large snail. She faints as Lockhart picks it up and christens it Fluffy. Ron convulses in the corner and turns bright yellow. Harry and Lockhart climb out of the trunk, still not remembering anything, lock it and set it on fire. Giggling madly, they sneak off and find Tom Riddle forcing Neville and Malfoy, both clad in violently red little cocktail dresses, to tango. The three conspire to take over the world by means of tiny turtles and cocktail wienies and hole up in Dumbledore's office. Harry gets hold of the intercom system and treats the entire school to a song he makes up as he goes along, not being able to remember any. Oliver and Cedric both snap and run howling down the halls, covering their ears and making a general nuisance of themselves. Tom Riddle gets bored and turns Lockhart into a small pink piglet and lets him loose in the teacher's lounge. Trelawney adopts him as her long-lost son and locks them in her classroom. Harry also gets bored and throws a weird, pickle-shaped device, which he found in Dumbledore's coat pocket, at Tom Riddle, who starts jigging uncontrollably when it hits him. Harry laughs and throws himself down the stairs just to see what it feels like. He starts crying when he hits the bottom and is to be carted away to St Mungo's.   
The still jigging Tom Riddle joins with the permanently tangoing Neville and Malfoy and forms a dance troupe. While on tour in Switzerland, Malfoy's dress rips and reveals the tattoo on his upper thigh, which reads "I Love My Porridge." He starts crying and howling and tangos off the stage, trampling several people in his haste. Neville, still tangoing, starts sobbing and wails for him to come back, he still loves him. Tom Riddle gets disgusted and waves a wand at Neville, turning him into a small stone urn full of water. He promptly trips, flies across the room and gets his head stuck in the urn, eventually drowning.   
A year later, the now-catatonic Harry, burnt, colour-changing Ron, still tangoing Malfoy, Lockhart the Piggy and the others gather for Lucius and Hermione's twenty-fifth anniversary celebration, for Lucius had accidentally triggered a booby-trap that set off a time trap and sped up time in the room. Hermione's hair is now a rainbow of colours and she has grown to be massively obese. Narcissa suddenly shows up and hexes everyone, steals Lucius and runs howling away to where she has Sirius, Snape, Arthur and Remus imprisoned as her man-slaves. While rubbing her feet, Sirius suddenly bites off one of her toes and swallows it. She screams and hits him with a magic bird-motif vase. He sprouts wings, grab Remus in his teeth and flies to St Mungo's. They spring Harry from the psych ward and set up their own religion dedicated to flowers, waterfalls and the colour purple. Ron turns permanently purple and joins their nudist commune. His mother shows up, forces him into a large, flowered jumper and threatens to bash him good if he doesn't keep it on. Since it has flowers on it, Head Priest Sirius deems it acceptable and they decide to hold a party in celebration of it.  
Remus goes out to buy perfumed flower-water and other party food and decides to stop in at a bar on his way back. He discovers sake and trades in all his purchases plus fifteen years of service to the barmaid, whom he doesn't realize is Oliver in drag. Oliver giggles and drags him to the back, forcing him to join his and Cedric's Secret Society of Purse-Wielding Maniacs. Remus serves his fifteen years with them, becoming quite proficient at wielding a large ostrich-feather handbag and returns to the commune. Sirius and Ron have discovered a magic flower in the garden and have devoted the last fifteen years to watching it. Harry has attempted to grow a long, white beard, despite only being twenty-seven, and has become an excellent hair stylist. He gives Remus a coil perm and oohs and ahhs for hours. Being the appearance-concerned individual he is, Remus feels uncomfortable with the long hours Harry spends doing his hair and insists they get married before he continues. Harry agrees and, unable to drag Head Priest Sirius away from flower-watching, hires Malfoy to officiate. In the middle of the ceremony, Harry realizes Malfoy has much nicer hair than Remus and proposes to him. Malfoy and Remus switch places and all three go out to Oliver and Cedric's bar to celebrate. Oliver and Cedric perform their Twenty Purse salute and knock each other out. Remus rejoins their society and Harry and Malfoy go skipping off into the sunset.  
Back at the commune, Ron has a sneezing fit and accidentally eats the magic flower. Enraged, Sirius eats Ron's jumper and sits back, laughing uproariously as Mrs Weasley Apparates and beats the tar out of Ron with a pancake. While Ron is recovering, they decide to run off together and search the world for a small purple gem that smells of violets. Ron lies in the garden, amusing himself by seeing how many flies he can kill with his eyelids and generally doesn't notice as thirty years go by. He receives an owl from Professor McGonagall-Malfoy-Weasley-Potter-Malfoy-Longbottom-Crabbe-Malfoy-Malfoy, currently divorced, inviting him to the 40-Year Class Reunion, despite the fact that neither he nor anyone else that year made it to graduation. Ron decides to go and tries to Apparate, ending up in Filch's office. He shrugs and plays in the corner by himself. In the Great Hall, Hermione, who is 25 years older than the others, sits heavily in a massive armchair, smoking weed and generally being foul. Pansy Parkinson tries to start up a conversation but is quickly eaten by Hermione's faithful pet, Seamus. Dumbledore makes a speech, constantly interrupted by Hermione's belching and rude comments, and starts the dance. As Hermione's chair is situated in the exact middle of the Hall, dancers carefully skirt around her lest they be eaten by the ravenous Seamus. Bored, Hermione challenges Filch, who is almost as big as her, to a pie-eating contest. They go at it, downing five thousand, three hundred and twenty-seven pies in the first fifteen minutes. Dean Thomas slips a Dungbomb into Hermione's next pie, and she subsequently explodes. Raucous cheering is heard throughout the land and Dean is proclaimed king. He orders a palace built out of grapes and small dandelions and chooses the rabid Seamus as his Queen. Harry and Malfoy show up and request to be adopted into the royal family. King Dean accepts and proclaims them Prince Harry and Princess Malfoy.  
The kingdom is prosperous for many years until their biggest rival, Purseland headed by the Remus-Cedric-Oliver triumvirate threatens to take over if they aren't given large presents every twenty-five hours. King Dean valiantly refuses and sics Seamus on them. After receiving several nasty bites to the bum, Cedric breaks from the Triumvirate and carves out his own empire, inviting Ron to join him as Co-Empress. Ron agrees but refuses to don the overly large, puffy-sleeved pink dress Cedric gives him to match his own. Mrs Weasley and Sirius Apparate and beat Ron with a didgeridoo and a golden quirt they'd stolen from Champion Scoffer Filch. Ron cringes in the corner while Cedric jumps in to defend his Co-Empress. Mrs Weasley is quite impressed with his purse-prowess and asks for lessons. The two skip off to Cedric's Happy School of Purse-Whacking while Sirius sobs into the large hanging mural of Cedric and Ron holding hands and waving large purple chintz handbags over their heads to the raucously cheering crowd below. Ron crawls onto a broomstick and manages to fly to King Dean to beg forgiveness. Dean accepts on the condition that Ron serves him for the next five years as court jester and disc jockey.   
Prince Harry and Princess Malfoy, whom has finally stopped tangoing, start a Fight Club in the palace kitchen and drag Ron into it. Ron acquits himself admirably, downing seven with one sneeze. Harry gets tired of being a Prince and divorces Malfoy, starting his own hair salon. Malfoy goes on a mad killing spree, shooting everything in sight with hair. Unfortunately, that includes everyone in the kingdom. Somehow, Ron survives and hides in an underground cavern filled with glowing lichen that makes you very happy when you snort it and little lobster-like creatures that he teaches to mosh. Malfoy eventually forgets about Harry and his quest to destroy all hair and starts to write harlequin romance novels under the name Draconia Malfette. He attends a book signing one day and meets up with Harry, who's business has been closed after he refused to let his customers leave until they agreed to try his new untested haircare potions. They have a teary reunion and vow to never part again. They move back to the palace and take hold of the country, renaming it So Happy Togetherland. Remus and Oliver send them owl after owl trying to get autographed copies of Malfoy's book Can She Ever Find True Happiness: the Life Story of Cedric Donavianna Diggory. Malfoy agrees, but only if they agree to join their countries together. Remus agrees but Oliver quickly tapes his mouth shut, transfigures him into a zebra, refuses and declares war on them. Harry retaliates by releasing his specially trained fanged bunny-rabbits. When he catches sight of them, Oliver coos and scoops one up, only to have his nose bitten off. He doesn't notice and proclaims the bunny-rabbit as President of Purseland. Harry and Malfoy forget about the war when they discover a Muggle television series entitled American Idol and become violently obsessed. Ron shows up with his moshing lobster troupe and distracts them long enough for his new partner Lucius to jump in and destroy the tv set. The two Malfoys sit in the corner, gossiping about their numerous marriages to McGonagall while Harry joins with the suddenly Apparated Mrs Weasley in beating Ron with a tennis racket and a bowling pin. Ron starts sobbing and Cedric suddenly pops in to defend him again. Harry growls at him and jumps on his head, gnawing voraciously on his hair. Cedric giggles and removes his wig, revealing his shiny, bald, pink head. Harry starts wailing at the loss of such beautiful hair and runs out to the yard, burying himself in the sandbox. 


End file.
